Positive & Negative – with a brain injury…

So – so today my depression has me writing this piece in bed. I just had a shower – my first shower in 32 hours. My family are meeting at Rollingstone, and there’s no way I can bring myself to face anyone. I was born into the Sugar Industry in the Herbert and have been Sugar Cane mad ever since, but this year the season has broken me. This season has made me despise the Sugar Industry – amongst other things… and it makes me hate myself because of it. I feel so alone…

My husband has been home 9 out of the last 72 hours and I could cut the tension between us with a knife. The sugar cane season in the Herbert is set to finish over the following weekend and I’m telling you it’s a week too long. I’m all for making a living and working hard but I feel so neglected it’s not funny!

Today (the following day) I went training at Tweak with Louise (my trainer) and she can always put me in a better mindset. Georgia Satellites -Keep your hands to yourself was the first song that came on and it put my head in the game – I worked harder than most times I work out. The angry bird in me wants to come back BUT I wont let it.

This season has taken my head to some pretty messed up places – It got me thinking – There is no way I am the only wife in the industry that this has happened to. It sucks because I FEEL SO FREAKING LOST! I feel – I’m all alone… there’s no one here besides meee…

Yes – my sense of humor is pretty messed up, to the point where my father-in-law dropped in the other day and I said “Your lucky there’s no knives flying your direction!” He kinda gets my sense of humor – more than my husband most times.

Give me a month and I’ll be back on top of the game (of life) again. This is how it’s going to be for the rest of my life, It’s not I had… It’s I have a brain injury and I’m going to have to accept that. My best mate said years ago – “I admire your resilience, the way you bounce back.” Because I ALWAYS DO! BUT – I push myself. I am so hard on myself, I say things like “stop being a little bitch and get your head back in the game!”

This season has me thinking – maybe I’m not cut out for this, and that makes the way I’m feeling 100 times worse – Cause I’m dad’s little operator (well, not anymore) but that’s what my life would of been had I not had my accident. I think there needs to be support for the wives in the industry. Nothing to do with Canegrowers or QSL but maybe Wilmar? I still have to figure it out but I’ll have a chat with some of my contacts and see what we can come up with!

This is not – oh I want to kill myself, It’s actually far from it, and yeah – at times I’m selfish… but I would never do that to my boys if no one else. Shits bad NOW but I think I just need time away BY MYSELF – to get inside my head and reset… on a nice beach… away from this town for a night even… to see how good I really have it!

Stop being a little bitch…

Aquo Xx

The importance of family…

There are lots of people in this world that don’t realise how important family is. Specifically, a lot of teenagers that try pretty hard to not spend time with their family or try to rebel against their parents (haha sound familiar mum & dad), I could seriously teach the kids of today a thing or two! When thinking about this objectively, parents/family only want the best for you.

When times are rough and you think that no one believes in you, your family will always be there to cheer you on. Your family will always have your back. A lot of people in this world really only help people for self-gain, but (most) parents are willing to act selflessly for their kids.

My family has always been close, when mum and dad went somewhere, the four of us kids (my siblings and I) would always go – holidays, shopping trips, even when dad went to harvest in the Burdekin in 1998 we went as well. 

A negative event (my accident) was actually a positive being that it flushed out all the people around us that just weren’t strong enough to handle the horrible situation we were dealt. I’m not sitting here saying ‘oh poor me’, because I feel now we all have a really close knit group that actually respects one another, and doesn’t act like teenage girls in high school. Honestly, me personally, I don’t miss that rubbish at all!

We have always been quite defensive of each other, but since my accident that has amplified to a million! If anyone says anything in a negative way about our family, you will probably receive quite a hostile reaction out of all of us – and god forbid anyone has anything bad to say about me to my mother, good chance she will bury you alive!

It’s hard for us to let people in, especially me, I think it’s because of all the hurt that is the result of loosing family members and so called friends out of the circle. 

My relationship with my in-laws was great until I had my son, the first grandchild for both families. It then went rocky for a while as I felt like I was constantly being judged about the way I choose to parent. I’m so EXTREMELY happy that now we are closer than ever and I think on both ends we are now happy to discuss anything and everything whereas before it was like Chinese whispers, which sucked to say the least. 

I really don’t know what changed in me, but I’m finally asset peace in myself with 95% of my life and I feel amazing. Some time ago, I started reviving Reiki (a form of alternative medicine called energy healing) and slowly slowly I started noticing small differences in my being.  I learn’t to send love to those who hurt me and I was released from all the negativity in my life. I now feel so much lighter in myself. 

All those that have hurt me, well now they’re just somebody I used to know. I’m finally free of that tangled web of hatred, negativity, sadness and hurt. 

Life goes on, all the hurt and suffering you endure in your life will undoubtedly make you a stronger person and you will come to see and believe that everything is right in your world. For a long time, I ignored a lot of people that used to call family because I thought it was the easiest way of dealing with everything. WRONG! I learn’t standing up and facing your demons will transform all that negative energy in your life and you will then be able to let go. 

I am now able to have a civil conversation with those I used to be friends with. I don’t have time anymore for many of those I grew up calling aunty and uncle – many of those in that circle act like school children, winging, bitching, playing mind games and back stabbing their friends, imagine how they carry on about my family and myself! It’s so childish and it’s disgusting that people act like that. 

There’s many different ways to enhance your relationship with your family, but ultimately you need to learn how to let go of those that no longer serve a positive purpose in your life. A counsellor can teach you techniques for changing your thoughts, emotions, and behaviours to be the person you most want to be, despite what your family has done to you. Alternatively, you can turn to God – if you are a believer or for those that are more spiritual beings – Reiki is a wonderful option (it really helped me!). 

I really hope this article can serve a purpose to help others that are bearing a heavier than usual cross, to make you feel more at peace and realise that even if you are going through a hard time with your family – things will get better. I never believed that things would improve for me on the family front, but started chipping away, offloading a lot of it on my Reiki therapist (Sorry Nat!) Who after I left was probably cursing me for Making her so tired with all the negativity I was releasing. It took a few years to work through, but finally I’m at peace and feeling as if I could conquer Everest! 

“I’m learning how to walk away from situations or people that threaten my peace of mind, self-respect or self-worth.” – Unknown. 

Aquo Xx

The chorus says it all!