When I fall, I will catch Myself…

Thursday night I did a thing – I broke my dry spell. I’ve gone four months without drinking and did so well! I was on top of the world – now, I woke up feeling like shit but surprisingly bounced back better than I ever had, or what I can remember anyway. I’m so lucky I had no rum here because 3/4 of a 40 would have hit the spot. No training for me today – everyone at the Health Hub probably thought I’ve died…

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It’s safe to say it will probably be another four months before my next blow out – yeah just like everything – I’m all about the go hard or what are you even doing here?! I guess it’s my biggest downfall, it sucks but whatever right? I’m all about owning my shit these days, no ‘god must hate me’ – no – I did it to myself so I have to deal with it. Thank god Jack had school because I couldn’t deal with him trying to kill Harry all day.

I try and look deeper into myself to find answers as to why I slipped of my path to becoming the awesome self-made version of myself – reason being I feel like everything is out of my control and nothing is going my way, then the voice inside my head tells me I’m the one in control of everything, I can make it happen, whatever ‘it’ is.

I’m sure because ‘it’ hasn’t came to me yet is the reason I’m feeling so lost. It’s the reason I went to the fridge and got a few beers out and brought them upstairs. Then when they were gone I went down to the beer fridge and juggled three more and walked up the stairs – because you know, alcohol makes you awesome, I wont fall, or drop a beer. Wait, beer smashes on the ground, back down to swap it for one that hasn’t gone to battle.

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This is exactly how I felt – My brain was fuzzy all day. My speech wasn’t much better than what it was after my accident. I couldn’t find the words I was thinking of to make proper sentences. My anxiety levels were through the roof and I just want to knock myself out and wake up tomorrow ready to conquer the world again because this feeling is utter shit! I just wanted a massive bear hug but I don’t want Andrew to touch me – that’s how lost I’m feeling.

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What I need to understand is that it’s OK. I know I want to take over the world, create a body that is ‘oh my god’ and raise two boys that grow up to be well mannered, kind adults – like my brother CJ. I am so hard on myself it’s not funny – I guess that’s why I have the ‘Go hard’ attitude. It really is all good, I know I’m going to be my version of successful, I just need a change of scenery so that I can get inside my own head and figure out my next move.

But seriously – watch this space!

Aquo Xx

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